"Koopaling bios, from a future perspective"
1. Morton Koopa, Junior.: As Morton grew with time, his penchant for monologous ranting did as well. He continued to talk and talk. Of course, nothing he said ever had any relevance to his life or the situations going on around him at the given time; therefore, his brain lost its capacity to focus on the surrounding reality and deteriorated completely. Some argue that this isn’t so tremendous a loss for him, as even the massive erosion of his cognitive resources were at least SOMETHING to add to his lack of personality. He now works full time as a Koopa Mart greeter.
2. Ludwig von Koopa: Ludwig just couldn’t keep his unwashed claws off those sweets of his. He spent week upon week secluded up in his room in Bowser’s Pipe Land fortress, half-heartedly composing witless organ music (which lays around his floor in piles and has yet to be performed), tinkering with small explosives and shooting up mass quantities of chocolate. As he grew more and more content with his gluttonous lifestyle, his pervasive stench caught the attention of all citizens residing in the vicinity, and most moved away. He only emerges from his basement quarters to make occasional trips to a nearby candy store.
3. Wendy Ocean Koopa: Wendy, at the age of twelve, could no longer withstand the screaming urge to declare her unbridled love for her older (?) brother, Lemmy. Of course Lemmy was too polite to refuse her incestuous offer, and they soon were married, with a baby on the way. In the following years she and Lemmy settled down and raised eight more highly deformed Koopa babies. However, even this enviable lifestyle was not enough for the Koopa princess, and because her husband refuses to work other than for charity, she developed a roving eye for several other siblings who were better-off, financially. Fortunately, none of them are.
4. Lemuel Koopa: The most kind-hearted, fun-loving of Koopa’s offspring, Lemmy strived consistently to brighten the economy of his prospering territory, Ice Land (known for its cod liver oil). He also founded nearly every charity organisation in Dark Land, which is two by the author’s count. Lemmy, as kind as he is, was unable to back down from his sister’s marriage proposal and now is the happy father of nine defective children. Lemmy is proud of the contributions he has made to Ice Land over the years, and boasts having created not few powerful systems to aid his siblings in their tedious reign over their respective lands, such as a complete irrigation system that taps the ice resources in his territory and transports it to Grass Land. He really should learn how to walk without using that ball.
5. Ignatius Koopa: Iggy suffered perhaps the most unfortunate fate of all his siblings. Growing up, he lived in the shadow of his other siblings, especially Lemmy. It must have been difficult for such an average Koopa to measure up to the likes of his good-natured twin brother, who is somehow two years older than him. Possessing absolutely no useful skills and bad vision, he found himself the target of many jokes outside the Koopa Klan and was often mauled by his merciless older brother Roy. These factors served as the catalyst for an untold measure of mental illnesses that would strike Iggy by the time he was eighteen. He eventually snapped and having lost all sanity, was institutionalised at a high-security mental facility in Pipe Land after using a butcher knife to dismember twelve Mushroom citizens whom Iggy claims made fun of his glasses and called him a wimp. Iggy does not enjoy the smell of his brother Ludwig. His father, Bowser Koopa knows of his son’s incarceration, and could care less about it.
6. Lawrence Koopa: Larry Koopa has made for himself a decent living in Grass Land as a florist/ruler. He is the owner of a renowned flower shop downtown and has designed beautiful gardens for some of the most prestigious palaces on Plit. He spends much of his free time sitting in his well lit greenhouse at an old-fashioned typewriter, writing books on gourmet vegetarian dining. He has long since given up his talent for espionage, claiming that it “just isn’t the right thing to do.” He also sells an amazing array of hand-carved and painted country-style lawn ornaments for very reasonable prices.
7. Roy Koopa: From an early age, it was evident that Roy Koopa found enjoyment in bullying others. This behaviour prevailed throughout most of his childhood and adolescence, and continues on to this day. There were times when he saw the inherent wrongness in his actions, but that was always of little consequence to him, as he was used to making his own way. His lack of focus on taking responsibilities that would help him develop necessary life skills demonstrated to him, all too late that he was in for trouble in the proverbial real world of adulthood. Inevitably, he found himself turning to petty criminal acts to sustain himself. He joined various underground Koopa gangs over the years, but was rendered penniless as he, on one occasion, was forced to flee from an angered Koopa mob boss to whom Roy owed several thousand gold coins. Recently, Roy has been concentrating on straightening his life out, but the future seems bleak.
